Compromise Or Walk Away?

Have you ever noticed in some areas of your life: romance, work, or friendship it is like a plot in a movie entitled Same Relationship With A Different Face? Have you thought about the possibility that just maybe you attempted to resolve an issue with someone and you questioned if you were the one over compromising and giving in ? I have been reflecting on the value of compromising in several relationships over the past little while.

I am not an advocate of living in the past. However, sometimes there is merit in reviewing decisions made and actions taken. It helps me to come to terms with my recycled patterns of behaviors. Patterns that are repeated of which I have observed in myself seem to be replays of uncomfortable responses to negative experiences. Sometimes I have asked myself have I been compromising too much and the other person has not compromised at all! Because I have looked at how I have shifted from an aggressive doormat of my past to a person with no problem stating calmly how I feel in any situation, I have formulated some cardinal points regarding compromises applicable in almost all situations.

  1. When my stated opinions and thoughts are ignored in conversation after conversation this feels like a red flag of disrespect . I am referring to when voicing my thoughts, aspects of my life and the other person never responds, but just jumps to another topic repeatedly. Clearly there is no give and take going on here.
  2. When I know I have changed since the initiation of the relationship, especially in verbal and behavioral exchanges with the other person, and they have not changed it may be time to walk away. Compromising is no longer an option.
  3. When I have repeatedly requested the other to stop doing a specific behavior, and they keep doing the same behavior and you remind them , and their response is saying they have trouble remembering your request, perhaps this is a deal breaker.
  4. If I have not been transparent about my wants/needs why would the other not be offering them? Once I realize where I was not communicating clearly and the other feels I am asking for too much, I may be able to compromise by rethinking what I am asking of them.
  5. I can stop trying to be right. I accomplish this by listening to the other person’s opinion and belief. Listening without judgment is a great tool of compromising.
  6. Asking inwardly is it crucial to myself to stand my ground on a certain topic or could I be willing to reflect on my expectations toward the other? If I say I am willing to compromise, and then refuse to do so, I am only showing the other I make false statements of a resolution. This is not integrity within any relationship.

In future connections with compromising I can maintain an open mind, be an active listener without judgement, and be willing to modify my expectations. However, when compromising is no longer building a bridge of a relationship of give and take, perhaps it is time to consider the value of the relationship, which may lead to walking away from it.

Key to Inner Peace: Detachment

Have you ever reflected upon attachments you hold to a person or a specific outcome of a situation? I have looked at this often in my life, and have reached repeatedly the same AHA conclusions. My unhealthy attachments are always rooted in fear, and that shadow feature I love to hate: a desire to control. I think with some people it is also an inner need to hang on and leave claw marks on the familiar. Fear, you may ask? The human being ‘s fear of afraid to lose what we have placed deep ownership upon or fear we will never get what we demand is rightfully ours to manifest into fruition.

Over the years I have made efforts to become a better version of myself, I have become vulnerable and in almost all relationships in most areas have stated what I observe in others. I will be the first to profess I am not the most diplomatic on the planet, but I am one who holds nothing back, who tells it as I see it, and who is unafraid to tell another what I like about them and what is not working for me. Recently someone who has known me for many years told me I can come across as being unkind. That perception is her assessment of my stating what I observed in her. My inner thoughts on that with anyone are two-fold. I believe our world has become filled with a collective of over sensitive people who prefer to remain in what they believe is a safe rabbit hole…who prefer not to take a deeper dive into potential authenticity sandwiched in surrendering old ideas most likely that live in the subconscious . I suspect these ideas were hammered into their belief systems by role models of authority at a young age. That was not their fault, but I also believe as functional adults we have the responsibility to find solutions to walk our talk in the present. Secondly, if we allow others to be who they are without wanting to change each other’s behaviors, perhaps we are equally able to allow ourselves to be who we really are without hidden motives and release the false faces we have been demonstrating since childhood, and heaven forbid, grow up!

I wholeheartedly concede attachments play a crucial role in connections with bonds we have with friends, partners, family, and co-workers. Without attachments we would always be seeking out other people when the first symptoms of a disagreement occur. With the initial emotional attachments we have with others, we may feel safe and secure. Of course, we humans have wants and needs. Otherwise why would we not shy away from relationships? If we can be gut level honest with ourselves we might admit we don’t feel bonds, even love with another because of what the person can give or do for us. We feel unconditional love for another because of who the other is.

Attachment , the unhealthy type, can be born when we believe another can give us something we do not think we have within ourself. If we have attached to any relationship carrying the belief this person has something we think we do not have ,a conflict will probably begin when the other person is not fulfilling some of our unspoken needs. This conflict can grow because often a need for a person to fulfill unreasonable expectations for us continues to create a visible abyss between us. This abyss , if not communicated and addressed can become a gaping canyon.

Learning to detach from our dependence on another , and understanding how to meet our own needs ourself is key to creating better relationships with all kinds of people. Acceptance of each other as we are is important. However , if there are areas and subjects that are always requiring us to steer away from another due to lack of trust, invalidation, and disrespect, perhaps it is time to consider how much we really value the relationship. Ask ourself if it is a healthy attachment clothed in reciprocal respect or is it a one-sided aspect that you never even saw coming….until the day you saw a bit more honest truth can be a catalyst to ones own growth. It may be painful to become aware the other person has not changed at all…it is just you did not want to see what was shown to you by them and by your participation , perhaps from the beginning.

Unspoken Rules

I find human behavior …and my intriguing. If I invite you to play a new board game and do not tell you how it is played, and we start the game with one of us not understanding the rules, I guarantee one of us will be trying to figure it out and one or both of us will be frustrated..maybe even angry . Maybe the one who was not made privy to the rules will not care that they do not know how to play, and will just make up the rules as they proceed with the game. Maybe the one who did not offer an explanation of how the game is played will get so frustrated that they just walk away , assuming the other is stupid. Maybe the one who did not know the rules will speak up and ask pertinent questions enabling them to understand what is it the other wants to happen. Maybe the one with the information of the game will resent the other for not figuring out what they believe anyone should know. Human beings sure are interesting, aren’t we?

Of course we have social norms that are unspoken, unwritten rules such as not taking or asking for the last piece of pie, leaving something better than when you found it, being kind and courteous to people working in a service position, not whispering to someone when you are in presence of a group of others, replacing toilet tissue if you used the last ply, using the rule of letting people get off the subway/public transit before you get on, never apologizing with an excuse (I am sorry, BUT….), etc. So many social rules are assumed we all are aware of instead of them being stated or written.

Then there are unspoken rules in interpersonal relationships between friends , family, and partners such as avoiding letting go of old resolved conflicts from the past by not bringing it up again, never using the other’s weakness or flaws against them, keeping things private that have been spoken in confidence to avoid the other feeling betrayed, letting them know you are on their side, giving each other and yourself personal space with alone time, avoiding your own insecurities by allowing time for them to be with their friends without you, and by all means being yourself authentically: it is crucial you do not pretend you like everything they think or do, and especially do not verbalize you do! My all time favorite : drop the desire to play the blame game to try to make them wrong so you can sanctimoniously feel right!

Setting ground rules in any relationship is important. Since there is not a rulebook, it is important to express what YOU FEEL at the onset of a relationship. If you have not done this, when things start to get hairy it is a very good idea to re-state your wants/needs and voice your deal breakers. When we do not start a relationship of any kind with boundaries and our “rules” we will experience the relationship crumbling, and we will be faced with a choice to decide how much value the relationship holds for us..and if we want to sit down in discussion with the other or not.

What I have personally observed in inefficient unspoken rules within relationships are clearly poor communications where the other person “assumes” their partner or friend knows what is expected when it has never been discussed; and, passive-aggressive , power struggles result. Not always , but usually the case exists that the reason deal breakers have not been discussed is because no talk or no communication rules exist; and/or one of the involved has allowed the unacceptable behaviors to continue without opening their mouth to say it is unacceptable or uncomfortable. Healthy disagreements within any relationship are part of a growing relationship. When a resolution cannot be reached, perhaps it is time to walk away into the sunset without guilt or remorse even if a long history between you has been your experience. Even with that choice, would you use one of your unspoken rules and just walk away or would you voice what you have decided to do?

Do You Go Out Of Your Way To Be The Nice One?

I am relatively sure I came into this world as a rebel, asking direct questions to every person who crossed my path in order to discover what was not being spoken. Part of that motive was because from birth I have been very intuitive to the point I literally see the energies of words spoken, and always knew when a person was holding back some information and/ or knew what was spoken did not exactly align with a person’s thoughts or body language. I thought either the person was being dishonest or they thought it was not safe to divulge their true thoughts with me. I cannot remember a time , even when I was four years old, that I did not think it was my right to uncover the person’s hidden motives. I have never been great at being diplomatic when I wanted answers!

What I later came to understand is those who practice conflict avoidance really are demonstrating deep rooted people pleasing behaviors grounded in a lifetime of fear of upsetting another! People who go to great lengths to keep the peace at all costs probably have baseless expectations of the other person reacting negatively toward them. In other words, the people pleasing- conflict avoider does not trust stating their wants, needs, opinions, or beliefs is safe so they came across as this sweet, super nice person with friends, partners, co-workers, supervisors, even their medical practitioners….going to great lengths to be sure not to cause dissension! In reality, unless the other is also a people pleasing- never rocking the boat communicative partner this person will ignore an issue, avoid a conversation, and change the subject…all avoiding and most likely stuffing their feelings as they look into their proverbial internal mirror and see a reflection of Miss or Mr. nice person!

The bottom line is this person puts on a fake smile, negatively affects many interpersonal relationships, increases the risk of developing depression/anxiety/ other medical conditions..and results in a prevention of intimacy.

When a person becomes willing to stand up for themselves by stating their true feelings, and opinions about any subject, a shift happens. When that person takes a risk to be the same in almost all situations instead of playing roles in different settings, their throat chakra begins opening because of authentic communications , and the possibilities of deeper, intimate relationships can transform. It is really about making vulnerable connections in speaking our truth.

Personally, I enjoy nurturing relationships with people who show they are listening, who give me the opportunity to hear their truth, who align with similar values, and who are not afraid to agree equally with disagreeing on a variety of topics.

In my mind and in the vision I carry for a different world. disagreeing with another is a keystone to understanding another. When we each face our fears and speak what is in our hearts, we have a closer alliance with being unified. Just because we do not always agree with each other is not a justification for exiting a relationship. That being said, I will tell you those who repeatedly feel the need out of insecurity and apprehensions to not speak up and who are in fear of telling me how they really feel inside create questions in my mind of the value of the relationship, and I do weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving. As with other awarenesses that come to the surface in our search for being the best version of ourselves, practice makes progress, but first has to come the admission of what is needing tweaking and recalibration.

Dare To Be The Best Version Of Yourself

Reflecting on my early childhood the moments I felt most alive were experiences and adventures embracing the great outdoors. I thrived climbing a pine tree not caring my Mother would not be happy with me that pine resin was stuck in my long, thick hair! As a curious child, I embraced and was filled with passion and the magical enchantment of the natural world. Then a few years of dysfunction entered my world. It took a while for me to reclaim myself , and reclaim I did!

I did not jumpstart my desire to become my best ME journey for any other reason than I felt this innate pull to find a way to become comfortable in my own skin . This has not been a quick transformation, and still is ongoing. Think of the huge change from a pupa to a butterfly and every single evolutionary step along the way. This was my destiny, and can be yours too ..if you are willing to dive off proverbial cliffs of unknown possibilities into deep canyons and oceans of self discovery to meet the you that you had no clue existed!

I offer some ideas. Vision the evolved you. Draw and write it on paper. Tell the kind of place you reside in detail. Describe your abilities, traits, and skills you own and offer to the world. Write affirmations in the present tense of specific activities you will be doing. For example, ” I am a person of physical, emotional, and spiritual strength by going to the gym and being of service daily to those who cross my path.”

Describe your friendships that supplement and resonate with your core values. Then , consider present people in your life that you are willing to walk away from with unconditional compassion because they demonstrate characteristics opposing your values. You don’t even have to have an inkling of a desire to change them or tell them why you need to create space between you. Furthermore, you probably do not have any emotional attachments to the friendships from which you desire to walk away. When we look at our inner truth of the level we value our connections with those we have allowed into our lives ( whether we have had a long or short history with them) as we practice self love for our core being, we will receive internal validation of needing to either set boundaries and/or decrease communications with them. Keep in mind everything is temporary, and perhaps just a pause for the present is needed. We may never want to completely burn bridges but taking an alternate route for ourselves in the moment often is an act of cherishing ourselves.

I personally am in the midst of a great transition of moving from a place that for four years has offered me isolated stillness of nature to a small, very cool town in which I can co-create community with new people. It all has flowed beautifully, and I believe daring to become a better version of myself is emerging . I feel I am a new species of lotus blossoming once again fueled by the waters of surrendering and shedding parts of my former self. I have jumped off similar proverbial cliffs before, usually with a bit of trepidation. This time I only feel excited as I unfurl my wings and fly into a place of contented joy.

There are still areas of my life needing refinement but as we all know, daring to be more of who we can be, just might prove we are miracles- in- the- making lasting until we leave this Earth- plane! I do hope you will join me on your own incredible journey of self discovery in meeting the best version of yourself. Safe travels!

Living In A Time Now With Opportunities of Transformation

I have walked through many opportunities in my life. Some of them took me a while to see each situation as blessings and opportunities for immense change. I remember when President John F. Kennedy died. I marched in protest of the Vietnam War. I cried at racial injustice throughout my lifetime. I stood with other women not as a “feminist” but as sister of peace. I stood with men as a supporter of courage, sensitivity, and balance. I have watched divisions and separation of people from each other based on skin color, beliefs, opinions, and other situations. As a child who actively lived through the Sixties, even in my youth and pre-teen years, I believed we were each equals and reflections of each other.

I am completely convinced we of Humanity are being given the greatest opportunity of all time to embrace Unity, to stand together as we uphold our Core Values. I do not have to prove you wrong to make myself right. My and your ancestors were people who stood tall in the face of adversity. Their strength and perseverance paved the way to show us each there is another way to co-exist with all living things.

I often refer to the pandemic that showed up in 2000 as the time when the world changed. I have no doubt we , for decades, have vocalized something needs to change. Energy flows where attention goes. Ancient cultures taught the wisdom of embracing the Natural World as a teacher and that the balance of the Sacred Feminine/Sacred Masculine within each of our inner selves was a catalyst to achieving the Peace Within each being seeks.

We got so absorbed in getting ahead, in being Number One cloaked in the patterns of “Self” that we began leaving behind what we sought …connections with each other. We became obsessed with our electronic devices, the ability to rant and rave on social media, and the accepted verbal diarrhea of condemning those whose ideas and opinions differed from our own.

As I see it, more and more public displays of the Great Wake Up Reset are beyond the proverbial tap on our Collective Shoulders . The push is strongly felt by all that it is indeed a time of transformative opportunities to first do our own inner work surrendering all that truly does not serve us, and then, to come together in harmonic peace IN SPITE OF OUR DIFFERENCES.

Allowing short and long term relationships of all kinds to either thrive or be released, nurturing our planet and all its inhabitants, and being willing to release the “I am right, you are wrong Syndrome” via the power of the only real element: the power of Love and Light will be the legacy we can choose….or will we continue as a species to fall further into the depths of darkness believing this is our destiny?

Yes, it is the time with opportunities. My ancestors showed me strength comes from honoring my Personal Power and making viable choices with the awareness fueled by actions based on my Core Values. If I am practicing being true to myself with self love and self compassion, it is highly likely I will be offering this same opportunity to you, to Nature, and to the planet. It is not too late for the Collective to become the best version of ourselves. The question is sandwiched in Willingness and Courage. Light and Love or Bitterness and Resentments? Fear or Love? Being Comfortable In Our Own Skins or Shaking In Fear as we did when Tyrannosaurus Rex was about to enjoy us for dinner? Seize the opportunity or bury our heads in the sand? Choices.

The Peace In Not Taking Things For Granted

I really want to want to believe I am a person who flows through life like a floating cloud detached from the material world. Then something happens such as the world changing in front of my surprised face giving me a golden opportunity to question if how I am living my life is the way I really want to live it!

Here is how the revelation came to me. First I began noticing products I have enjoyed using for decades were gone because companies who created them went out of business. Medical practitioners I had partnered with either shut down or re-located were no longer my option to enjoy. Disruptions in shipping having a direct impact on availability of merchandise I assumed was always there when I wanted it suddenly seemed to be in a state of lack. Then came the strangeness of not knowing if someone I passed on the street was smiling back at me because most of us were masked due to the COVID-19 Pandemic .

I conceded to the Universe that indeed my attention had been awakened to things I, Ms. Go With The Flow, had been taking for granted! I dove deeper. I see now yet another gift of how the world changed seemingly because of a virus was being shown to me. Actually this is just another layer of my proverbial onion that has continued to unpeel its layers since I became conscious of what is really true! I saw , and not with my initial reaction of jumping for joy, that those things (and people) I took for granted offered me yet another illusion…a false sense of security relating to permanence when in reality was not permanent or secure in the first place! The truth revealed is it was my emotional attachment to all I had been taking for granted!

So here came the question my committee who lives inside my head asked at one of our late night meetings: if I, the wise and powerful, knew nothing lasts forever, why oh why did I treat things, situations, and people as if they did?

Here came the positive news from this awareness. What if I made the intention and followed through in effortful grounding of the foundation of standing in the present moment? My inner Committee all shook their proverbial heads in affirming head nods of “Yes!”. In the Present moment I can see the value of relationships, things, and situations to a greater degree, and carry within myself the acceptance and solutions of change when change comes. After all, change is the only constant!

I am the first to admit living in the present is not easy. It is easier to create distractions that allow ourselves to wander aimlessly away from living in that place of specific things that matter the most. My great mind..really is responsible for most of my inner struggles and suffering and the Creator of that turmoil of the “What If Syndrome “. You know, what if I lose what I have or don’t get what I want!

I think I will return to being grateful for what and who is present in this moment, and minimizing taking for granted much of anything.

Following The Path Beckoning You

I am comfortable today knowing I march to the beat of my own drum. Even as a child I knew I viewed the world with a different perspective. Please know that I would never consider myself to be a feminist. However, growing up as an intuitive visionary in the Southern United States, I curiously observed males culturally assigned to accepted roles and females following along especially in the South using sweet, endearing phrases suggestive of sugar melting in mouths. Although at times timid in my youth I was never one to keep quiet and go along with the crowd. I suspect those who did even decades ago were inwardly seething and stuffing their feelings as they chose a path of what appeared to be of the least resistance of safe choices. I used to believe this was only characteristic of females until the year the world changed and I watched in absolute shock and even disbelief of how many people of both genders in all cultures instead of following a path that probably had always been calling them, continued on a straight line of stuck and perhaps unfulfilled lives. Furthermore, I read their social media posts and heard statements verbalized of shifts happening but still the majority looked to me to be stuck in the old paradigm. Truly actions speak much louder than words!! Yes I know change can be scary but when we think and act as we always have, our reality of manifestation experiences what we always have gotten.

My opinion as an active proverbial cliff jumper who has many times in adulthood left my comfort zone to follow the path that not only beckoned me but screamed loudly that if I ( and we )stayed in a box created and forced upon by the old paradigm we would either become physically, emotionally, or mentally sick and/or become loud , unhappy, stressed verbal proponents of we must do life differently as we watch the destruction of humanity crumbling in front of us. Maybe people have to get gut wrenching angry to realize the path they are so entrenched in wearing the same old shoes of cemented quicksand of thoughts and ideas as they pretend to enjoy self imposed prisons of daily inner illusions is not working .

If you feel I am being extremely or even slightly judgmental perhaps the buttons I am pushing are only because your true path has been louder than your buying into the need to stay safe. Are you really safe? Long ago I heard it is never too late to have a happy childhood. My new mantra based on years of marching to the beat of my own drum is It is never too late to have a happy adulthood! Don’t create a new box…throw that box concept away, and risk following the path that summons you. You just might find when you jump off your cliff of ”safety” you will amazingly discover you had wings of freedom tucked inside your shoulders all along.

The Importance of Being Transparent

There was a time in my adult life that I held back from certain people who I really was. I would present myself one way with certain friends and colleagues, and hide parts of myself from others. When I speak of transparency I am referring to being honest and open. Many people are wrapped up in a illusive sandwich of perfection and looking/sounding good, even to their closest allies. Most likely their apprehension to be transparent is cloaked in insecure fears and a lack of trusting themselves . As a result their personal power is squashed in a field of fearing to be vulnerable, and a deep seeded mistrust within themselves.

The day I stepped off my cliff of what I thought was protection, I became aware I had claimed wings of authenticity, and simultaneously made the decision to be the same in all settings. I began speaking from my heart, and did not need to hide any aspects of myself as I once had believed were necessary.

As I am reflecting on how freeing being transparent really is, I am aware of a few people in my life who are still intimidated by this. Though it seems that they judge various aspects of my life that I freely share, it is really their self judgment they are projecting onto me. I am an intuitive people observer and I often view these people making ostentatious statements of what they know about the world, and even voicing facts they believe about me! I am aware this trait is only their self protection of their insecurities and lack of self trust. Knowing this is really what is going on within them prevents me from disliking or judging their actions. I only am aware of this because before I was transparent this is exactly how I behaved in the world!

As a transparent woman I am empowered to be my best advocate of personal truths and as a result I continually attract connections with people who not only trust me, but also value me. Not sure if it is the chicken-egg story of what came first…did I trust and risk myself to be vulnerable and transparent first or did I first attract people who were showing me being transparent and claiming core values in almost all areas of their lives was a message of being authentically real ? Most of my current tribe of close friends are those who do trust themselves, are transparent and vulnerable, and truly exude their authenticity. At times I am challenged by those who choose not to be this way, but believe in my heart perhaps they , too, one day will jump off their own proverbial cliff of what they perceive to be self protection, and become vulnerable, and maybe not be wound so tightly.

Long ago I learned to ask myself questions and these three questions really increase and validate my choice in being transparent :

  1. Is how I share and respond with people honoring who I have become?
  2. Does being vulnerable prevent me from trying to be a people pleaser?
  3. Does sharing the honest truth of who I am make me feel comfortable in my own skin?

Unearthing the hole of needing to hide was like finding a buried treasure and opened to me the truth that transparency is important and part of the me I always wanted to be but did not know where to start.

Claiming Peace In A Chaotic World

In the midst of global upheaval cloaked in suffering and chaos the Collective Consciousness is wrapped in fearful anticipations of what may be our future. Since mid 2020 I have watched as those in spiritual communities spouting their way is THE way, those in challenging medical situations, conspiracy believers, those who have lost hope, as well as visionaries who hold steadfast to the inner wisdom we of Humanity are experiencing the Great Re-Set. Intense emotions of hate, anger, fear, frustration, powerlessness, confusion, and sadness seem to block so many from a feeling of safety and inner serenity. How can we each resolve our struggle with finding inner peace?

Trust me when I tell you I am not blind to what is going on in the external world. However, having walked through a series of life altering situations that I was sure would not end in my own survival, I am a witness that claiming and owning inner peace is not only possible but is attainable for each of us. That being said, if we do what we have always done, we will get what we have always gotten.

I have come to believe that peace begins with the L, not lust, longing, or light. What I believe is , it is about love. The greater emphasis and actions I take in getting out of my head recycling my feelings and the Woe is Me Syndrome, and putting my focus on sharing unconditional compassion and love with others, the more it is possible to claim and experience peace. This is not easy, but when we make an intentional choice to surrender our fear and anger and allow what we think we understand to unfold in the present, we just might be amazed at how our internal world changes.

Practice makes progress has been my mantra for many years. Since I am still a human at times I forget what works so I take the time when in a place of peace to write on sticky notes and on paper my solutions.

1. Believing peace is my birthright, I can claim it in any moment. I say aloud..I claim peace. I have this phrase on notes I stick on the wall, in my car, and on my desk.

2. State and write those things I currently have in my life for which I can express gratitude.

3. Spend time alone with nature.

4. Accept what is , especially those things and people I have no control over.

5. Transmute and change my addictions into preferences. An addiction is any desire that results in my lack of contentment if and when it is not satisfied. Example: if I get emotionally bent out of shape when I expect someone to change a behavior and they don’t, then my addiction is to control and have others bow down and go along with my request and wishes.

6. Make effective use of willpower to choose positive thoughts, and when negative ones pop in, pause.. switch to those mental thoughts that bring me serenity and peace.

7. Be selective with the people , social media, and news you allow to filter into your mind and life. Practice saying No. Verbalize: I do not choose this at this moment.

8. Offer help to another or to an animal without expecting to receive anything back as a compensation. In other words, be of service.

You may discover by practicing some simple techniques that you have more control over your amazing self than you have previously thought, and why not, once you see what works, tell your solution to another!