Jaguarwind

I find human behavior …and my own..so intriguing. If I invite you to play a new board game and do not tell you how it is played, and we start the game with one of us not understanding the rules, I guarantee one of us will be trying to figure it out and one or both of us will be frustrated..maybe even angry . Maybe the one who was not made privy to the rules will not care that they do not know how to play, and will just make up the rules as they proceed with the game. Maybe the one who did not offer an explanation of how the game is played will get so frustrated that they just walk away , assuming the other is stupid. Maybe the one who did not know the rules will speak up and ask pertinent questions enabling them to understand what is it the other wants to happen. Maybe the one with the information of the game will resent the other for not figuring out what they believe anyone should know. Human beings sure are interesting, aren’t we?

Of course we have social norms that are unspoken, unwritten rules such as not taking or asking for the last piece of pie, leaving something better than when you found it, being kind and courteous to people working in a service position, not whispering to someone when you are in presence of a group of others, replacing toilet tissue if you used the last ply, using the rule of letting people get off the subway/public transit before you get on, never apologizing with an excuse (I am sorry, BUT….), etc. So many social rules are assumed we all are aware of instead of them being stated or written.

Then there are unspoken rules in interpersonal relationships between friends , family, and partners such as avoiding letting go of old resolved conflicts from the past by not bringing it up again, never using the other’s weakness or flaws against them, keeping things private that have been spoken in confidence to avoid the other feeling betrayed, letting them know you are on their side, giving each other and yourself personal space with alone time, avoiding your own insecurities by allowing time for them to be with their friends without you, and by all means being yourself authentically: it is crucial you do not pretend you like everything they think or do, and especially do not verbalize you do! My all time favorite : drop the desire to play the blame game to try to make them wrong so you can sanctimoniously feel right!

Setting ground rules in any relationship is important. Since there is not a rulebook, it is important to express what YOU FEEL at the onset of a relationship. If you have not done this, when things start to get hairy it is a very good idea to re-state your wants/needs and voice your deal breakers. When we do not start a relationship of any kind with boundaries and our “rules” we will experience the relationship crumbling, and we will be faced with a choice to decide how much value the relationship holds for us..and if we want to sit down in discussion with the other or not.

What I have personally observed in inefficient unspoken rules within relationships are clearly poor communications where the other person “assumes” their partner or friend knows what is expected when it has never been discussed; and, passive-aggressive , power struggles result. Not always , but usually the case exists that the reason deal breakers have not been discussed is because no talk or no communication rules exist; and/or one of the involved has allowed the unacceptable behaviors to continue without opening their mouth to say it is unacceptable or uncomfortable. Healthy disagreements within any relationship are part of a growing relationship. When a resolution cannot be reached, perhaps it is time to walk away into the sunset without guilt or remorse even if a long history between you has been your experience. Even with that choice, would you use one of your unspoken rules and just walk away or would you voice what you have decided to do?

I am relatively sure I came into this world as a rebel, asking direct questions to every person who crossed my path in order to discover what was not being spoken. Part of that motive was because from birth I have been very intuitive to the point I literally see the energies of words spoken, and always knew when a person was holding back some information and/ or knew what was spoken did not exactly align with a person’s thoughts or body language. I thought either the person was being dishonest or they thought it was not safe to divulge their true thoughts with me. I cannot remember a time , even when I was four years old, that I did not think it was my right to uncover the person’s hidden motives. I have never been great at being diplomatic when I wanted answers!

What I later came to understand is those who practice conflict avoidance really are demonstrating deep rooted people pleasing behaviors grounded in a lifetime of fear of upsetting another! People who go to great lengths to keep the peace at all costs probably have baseless expectations of the other person reacting negatively toward them. In other words, the people pleasing- conflict avoider does not trust stating their wants, needs, opinions, or beliefs is safe so they came across as this sweet, super nice person with friends, partners, co-workers, supervisors, even their medical practitioners….going to great lengths to be sure not to cause dissension! In reality, unless the other is also a people pleasing- never rocking the boat communicative partner this person will ignore an issue, avoid a conversation, and change the subject…all avoiding and most likely stuffing their feelings as they look into their proverbial internal mirror and see a reflection of Miss or Mr. nice person!

The bottom line is this person puts on a fake smile, negatively affects many interpersonal relationships, increases the risk of developing depression/anxiety/ other medical conditions..and results in a prevention of intimacy.

When a person becomes willing to stand up for themselves by stating their true feelings, and opinions about any subject, a shift happens. When that person takes a risk to be the same in almost all situations instead of playing roles in different settings, their throat chakra begins opening because of authentic communications , and the possibilities of deeper, intimate relationships can transform. It is really about making vulnerable connections in speaking our truth.

Personally, I enjoy nurturing relationships with people who show they are listening, who give me the opportunity to hear their truth, who align with similar values, and who are not afraid to agree equally with disagreeing on a variety of topics.

In my mind and in the vision I carry for a different world. disagreeing with another is a keystone to understanding another. When we each face our fears and speak what is in our hearts, we have a closer alliance with being unified. Just because we do not always agree with each other is not a justification for exiting a relationship. That being said, I will tell you those who repeatedly feel the need out of insecurity and apprehensions to not speak up and who are in fear of telling me how they really feel inside create questions in my mind of the value of the relationship, and I do weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving. As with other awarenesses that come to the surface in our search for being the best version of ourselves, practice makes progress, but first has to come the admission of what is needing tweaking and recalibration.

I really want to want to believe I am a person who flows through life like a floating cloud detached from the material world. Then something happens such as the world changing in front of my surprised face giving me a golden opportunity to question if how I am living my life is the way I really want to live it!

Here is how the revelation came to me. First I began noticing products I have enjoyed using for decades were gone because companies who created them went out of business. Medical practitioners I had partnered with either shut down or re-located were no longer my option to enjoy. Disruptions in shipping having a direct impact on availability of merchandise I assumed was always there when I wanted it suddenly seemed to be in a state of lack. Then came the strangeness of not knowing if someone I passed on the street was smiling back at me because most of us were masked due to the COVID-19 Pandemic .

I conceded to the Universe that indeed my attention had been awakened to things I, Ms. Go With The Flow, had been taking for granted! I dove deeper. I see now yet another gift of how the world changed seemingly because of a virus was being shown to me. Actually this is just another layer of my proverbial onion that has continued to unpeel its layers since I became conscious of what is really true! I saw , and not with my initial reaction of jumping for joy, that those things (and people) I took for granted offered me yet another illusion…a false sense of security relating to permanence when in reality was not permanent or secure in the first place! The truth revealed is it was my emotional attachment to all I had been taking for granted!

So here came the question my committee who lives inside my head asked at one of our late night meetings: if I, the wise and powerful, knew nothing lasts forever, why oh why did I treat things, situations, and people as if they did?

Here came the positive news from this awareness. What if I made the intention and followed through in effortful grounding of the foundation of standing in the present moment? My inner Committee all shook their proverbial heads in affirming head nods of “Yes!”. In the Present moment I can see the value of relationships, things, and situations to a greater degree, and carry within myself the acceptance and solutions of change when change comes. After all, change is the only constant!

I am the first to admit living in the present is not easy. It is easier to create distractions that allow ourselves to wander aimlessly away from living in that place of specific things that matter the most. My great mind..really is responsible for most of my inner struggles and suffering and the Creator of that turmoil of the “What If Syndrome “. You know, what if I lose what I have or don’t get what I want!

I think I will return to being grateful for what and who is present in this moment, and minimizing taking for granted much of anything.

I am comfortable today knowing I march to the beat of my own drum. Even as a child I knew I viewed the world with a different perspective. Please know that I would never consider myself to be a feminist. However, growing up as an intuitive visionary in the Southern United States, I curiously observed males culturally assigned to accepted roles and females following along especially in the South using sweet, endearing phrases suggestive of sugar melting in mouths. Although at times timid in my youth I was never one to keep quiet and go along with the crowd. I suspect those who did even decades ago were inwardly seething and stuffing their feelings as they chose a path of what appeared to be of the least resistance of safe choices. I used to believe this was only characteristic of females until the year the world changed and I watched in absolute shock and even disbelief of how many people of both genders in all cultures instead of following a path that probably had always been calling them, continued on a straight line of stuck and perhaps unfulfilled lives. Furthermore, I read their social media posts and heard statements verbalized of shifts happening but still the majority looked to me to be stuck in the old paradigm. Truly actions speak much louder than words!! Yes I know change can be scary but when we think and act as we always have, our reality of manifestation experiences what we always have gotten.

My opinion as an active proverbial cliff jumper who has many times in adulthood left my comfort zone to follow the path that not only beckoned me but screamed loudly that if I ( and we )stayed in a box created and forced upon by the old paradigm we would either become physically, emotionally, or mentally sick and/or become loud , unhappy, stressed verbal proponents of we must do life differently as we watch the destruction of humanity crumbling in front of us. Maybe people have to get gut wrenching angry to realize the path they are so entrenched in wearing the same old shoes of cemented quicksand of thoughts and ideas as they pretend to enjoy self imposed prisons of daily inner illusions is not working .

If you feel I am being extremely or even slightly judgmental perhaps the buttons I am pushing are only because your true path has been louder than your buying into the need to stay safe. Are you really safe? Long ago I heard it is never too late to have a happy childhood. My new mantra based on years of marching to the beat of my own drum is It is never too late to have a happy adulthood! Don’t create a new box…throw that box concept away, and risk following the path that summons you. You just might find when you jump off your cliff of ”safety” you will amazingly discover you had wings of freedom tucked inside your shoulders all along.

There was a time in my adult life that I held back from certain people who I really was. I would present myself one way with certain friends and colleagues, and hide parts of myself from others. When I speak of transparency I am referring to being honest and open. Many people are wrapped up in a illusive sandwich of perfection and looking/sounding good, even to their closest allies. Most likely their apprehension to be transparent is cloaked in insecure fears and a lack of trusting themselves . As a result their personal power is squashed in a field of fearing to be vulnerable, and a deep seeded mistrust within themselves.

The day I stepped off my cliff of what I thought was protection, I became aware I had claimed wings of authenticity, and simultaneously made the decision to be the same in all settings. I began speaking from my heart, and did not need to hide any aspects of myself as I once had believed were necessary.

As I am reflecting on how freeing being transparent really is, I am aware of a few people in my life who are still intimidated by this. Though it seems that they judge various aspects of my life that I freely share, it is really their self judgment they are projecting onto me. I am an intuitive people observer and I often view these people making ostentatious statements of what they know about the world, and even voicing facts they believe about me! I am aware this trait is only their self protection of their insecurities and lack of self trust. Knowing this is really what is going on within them prevents me from disliking or judging their actions. I only am aware of this because before I was transparent this is exactly how I behaved in the world!

As a transparent woman I am empowered to be my best advocate of personal truths and as a result I continually attract connections with people who not only trust me, but also value me. Not sure if it is the chicken-egg story of what came first…did I trust and risk myself to be vulnerable and transparent first or did I first attract people who were showing me being transparent and claiming core values in almost all areas of their lives was a message of being authentically real ? Most of my current tribe of close friends are those who do trust themselves, are transparent and vulnerable, and truly exude their authenticity. At times I am challenged by those who choose not to be this way, but believe in my heart perhaps they , too, one day will jump off their own proverbial cliff of what they perceive to be self protection, and become vulnerable, and maybe not be wound so tightly.

Long ago I learned to ask myself questions and these three questions really increase and validate my choice in being transparent :

1. Is how I share and respond with people honoring who I have become?
2. Does being vulnerable prevent me from trying to be a people pleaser?
3. Does sharing the honest truth of who I am make me feel comfortable in my own skin?

Unearthing the hole of needing to hide was like finding a buried treasure and opened to me the truth that transparency is important and part of the me I always wanted to be but did not know where to start.