Have you ever reflected upon attachments you hold to a person or a specific outcome of a situation? I have looked at this often in my life, and have reached repeatedly the same AHA conclusions. My unhealthy attachments are always rooted in fear, and that shadow feature I love to hate: a desire to control. I think with some people it is also an inner need to hang on and leave claw marks on the familiar. Fear, you may ask? The human being ‘s fear of afraid to lose what we have placed deep ownership upon or fear we will never get what we demand is rightfully ours to manifest into fruition.
Over the years I have made efforts to become a better version of myself, I have become vulnerable and in almost all relationships in most areas have stated what I observe in others. I will be the first to profess I am not the most diplomatic on the planet, but I am one who holds nothing back, who tells it as I see it, and who is unafraid to tell another what I like about them and what is not working for me. Recently someone who has known me for many years told me I can come across as being unkind. That perception is her assessment of my stating what I observed in her. My inner thoughts on that with anyone are two-fold. I believe our world has become filled with a collective of over sensitive people who prefer to remain in what they believe is a safe rabbit hole…who prefer not to take a deeper dive into potential authenticity sandwiched in surrendering old ideas most likely that live in the subconscious . I suspect these ideas were hammered into their belief systems by role models of authority at a young age. That was not their fault, but I also believe as functional adults we have the responsibility to find solutions to walk our talk in the present. Secondly, if we allow others to be who they are without wanting to change each other’s behaviors, perhaps we are equally able to allow ourselves to be who we really are without hidden motives and agendas..to release the false faces we have been demonstrating since childhood, and heaven forbid, grow up!
I wholeheartedly concede attachments play a crucial role in connections with bonds we have with friends, partners, family, and co-workers. Without attachments we would always be seeking out other people when the first symptoms of a disagreement occur. With the initial emotional attachments we have with others, we may feel safe and secure. Of course, we humans have wants and needs. Otherwise why would we not shy away from relationships? If we can be gut level honest with ourselves we might admit we don’t feel bonds, even love with another because of what the person can give or do for us. We feel unconditional love for another because of who the other is.
Attachment , the unhealthy type, can be born when we believe another can give us something we do not think we have within ourself. If we have attached to any relationship carrying the belief this person has something we think we do not have ,a conflict will probably begin when the other person is not fulfilling some of our unspoken needs. This conflict can grow because often a need for a person to fulfill unreasonable expectations for us continues to create a visible abyss between us. This abyss , if not communicated and addressed can become a gaping canyon.
Learning to detach from our dependence on another , and understanding how to meet our own needs ourself is key to creating better relationships with all kinds of people. Acceptance of each other as we are is important. However , if there are areas and subjects that are always requiring us to steer away from another due to lack of trust, invalidation, and disrespect, perhaps it is time to consider how much we really value the relationship. Ask ourself if it is a healthy attachment clothed in reciprocal respect or is it a one-sided aspect that you never even saw coming….until the day you saw a bit more honest truth can be a catalyst to ones own growth. It may be painful to become aware the other person has not changed at all…it is just you did not want to see what was shown to you by them and by your participation , perhaps from the beginning.