For many years I thought I was broken, needing to be fixed. I was the Queen of the Collector of Self Help books and videos. Even after I began recovering from all those addictions: substances, relationships, work, sugar, etc. I was still denying love for myself in different areas of my internal landscape. My denial of self love was covered underneath the belief that external validation was evidence , difficulty setting boundaries especially when thinking if no one volunteered for whatever needed to be done I had to be the one to do it, giving power to negative self talk (i.e. feelings of not being good enough or worthy enough), and attaching my self worth to how productive I was and how much I could get done in a day!!
It took a while before I came out of the denial of being oblivious to the fact I was not loving myself. Looking back I recognize I was doing these things in the world and in my intimate, close relationships: looking happy all the time while underneath was an insecure person, afraid to be vulnerable with others; wishing I was taller, skinnier, or had different sized body parts; thinking it was my fault if someone cancelled a scheduled event with me; deep seeded fear of being judged for my uniqueness; hypersensitive to criticism or perceiving a suggestion from someone was really affirmation of how flawed I was; tolerating toxic work/romantic/friend relationships ; and, a big challenge in stating my wants/needs. I was a bundle of self disrespect and self disloyalty.
When I began awakening to choose to honor and embrace my authentic self I began a new way of living with the person I would have the longest relationship with forever: ME! It was many years ago that I transformed from that caterpillar into the beautiful butterfly I love today. Most days I love myself unconditionally, allowing myself to grow and learn more about self-compassion, self-love, and practicing self-care with no conditions attached. I know who I am, what my passions are, and what feeds my soul, and I do those things that show evidence of that! I have let go of situations, people, and old ideas that blocked me from living my best life. Because I learned to make choices that feed my soul, that radiate my light…I am fulfilled , happy and free and far apart from that girl I was who does not exist in the present.
Because I am still a human being, once in a while I will hear that self defeating self talk. When that happens I practice self forgiveness and have a one on one meet up with that other girl who needs to know she was always loved, always amazing, and always authentic. The me of today tells that girl how valuable she is in the world , and we end of skipping into the Sunlight of Wonder together, once again integrating into one unique and special being! Practice makes Progress !!
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you” — Rupi Kaur
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance” –Oscar Wilde
“You are not what happened to you; you are what you choose to become” –Carl Jung
Jaguarwind 