Grief: Transformational Power of Becoming Extraordinary

For most people the very word “grief” carries a connotated association with suffering . Grief is always the emotional reaction and response to a loss, creating layers of emotions from a depth of sadness to anger which can lead to surprisingly, peace and even relief. Grief and loss are universal experiences felt by humans, animals, even trees. These experiences are so profound that they can reshape our lives in a wide range of ways capable of a metamorphosis of change.

Loss is never limited to the death of a loved person or pet. It can also include the ending of a partnership or other relationship, a personal injury or illness with loss of control of our body, job/career changes , unattainable dreams and aspirations, retirement, aging, financial/investment instability, surrendering an addiction, loss of faith, and loss of identity due to any kind of abuse at any age.

In the journey of our pain grief offers the opportunity of immense and significant personal transformation. It can be the catalyst just as astounding as the caterpillar’s transition into a gorgeous butterfly. When grief shows up the journey of its experience will push us into the confrontation of our authentic selves, whether we want to go there or not. Reflecting on different griefs of my life I have become aware once I walk THROUGH, not around and not denying the grief, I am catapulted into a new version of myself from the person I was before the loss presented itself to me. Some were more challenging than others. Each one has had a variety of lessons and with each one the ordinary person I thought I was grew into an extraordinary being I never dreamed I even wanted to become!

I have watched myself and others experience grief in different ways. Some find beyond incredible avenues of healing. Some remain bitter and resentful and stay stuck in their pain. I do know grief is not a one time journey and we are done . It comes in waves. So many times I thought I was complete with grieving a loss only to have it pop up again. For me, each new grief has carried with it some aspect of a prior grief that has tapped my heart requesting some sort of closure that had not been completed before. Though when feeling those kind of feelings sometimes it seems unfair but then I remember this is all part of my human experience , and is the greatest affirmation of my capability to love . Without being able to love no one is capable of grieving …for love and grief somehow are sandwiched on an equal menu.

I have become aware also there does not exist a cookie-cutter approach to healing from any loss or with any way to grieve. However, there is one most powerful tool that I have found that helped me heal from those losses I never thought possible. Because for many years I have embraced the teachings of ancient cultures, that very pathway became a portal for not dealing…but healing grief. Traditions in ancient cultures practiced mourning and grieving rituals. Rituals have existed since civilization began, and I carry the belief they still are valid solutions today.

During the Middle Ages in Europe public verbal/social expressions of grief both honored the deceased and also supported the individuals grieving. Special planning happened with dancing, music, food, beverages, and even games. The entire community practiced ceremony for all, and especially for those mourning the losses. Other cultures such as those of Indigenous Cultures had wailing rituals, allowing people to emotionally and verbally express their grief loudly. Public mourning was not just accepted, it was encouraged! Irish wakes included a combination of celebration and open mourning. New Orleans has jazz funeral parades illustrating sadness with festive joy. Different faiths utilize rituals in the grieving process such as the Jewish shiva, Islamic jiddah, and Buddhist meditation practices.

Because grief rituals fulfill for us our emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical needs by acknowledging publicly they can pave the way for emotional release and provide community support. Much documented research shows structured mourning practices significantly reduce grief and create pathways to honor our pain and enable us to move forward not just in grieving a death, but in grieving any loss.

In addition, expressing to our trusted friends, family, and loved ones that we still need to talk about our grief as it comes up (with no limit on time this occurs) this continues to be a valid piece of healing from any loss in our lives. When we honor our individual path by finding what works for us and take action, we are participating in our own healing from our pain. What we do for ourselves we do for all!

As we integrate our losses moving from grief to acceptance the practice of gratitude can empower us to unbelievably move from being an ordinary to an extraordinary being. I have often used the practice of Ho’oponopono for self forgiveness in different grieving processes for any time I have the illusions of self imposed guilt that I did not do enough or that I could have somehow prevented a loss from manifesting. Another great practice is the Buddhist practice of Tonglen to cultivate self compassion. My journey through various griefs of my own life has offered a few unexpected surprises that once again I did not see coming while in the throws of grieving. Some have been:

-Accepting what I cannot change

-Honoring my strengths that come out of my willingness to grieve any loss and sharing them with others as an act of genuine service to another

-Appreciation of who/what was lost that is now gone

-Coming to terms with what is presently important and valuable to me

-Appreciating my own life and knowing with confidence I do have the coping skills to walk through any monkey wrench life throws at me

It is normal to feel challenged in adjusting to any loss after it happens. If you find you cannot find ways to function after a few weeks or months, it is time to reach out to a group, a coach, a counselor, or another Professional. We are in this thing called life together, and together we can heal and create the vision of a wonderful world for us and for the next Seven Generations to come.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” – Khalil Gibran

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom. ” -Rumi