There is a part of my personal history that gave me a false sense of control and power. I believed for a long time because I knew lots of things about many different areas that it was right and my right to offer my brilliance to my friends , associates, relatives, and even strangers. If a Human Angel had walked up to me and asked why I carried this belief I would have not paused before answering: “I am being helpful to those I care about.” It did not matter that no one asked me for my unsolicited advice . I had the information and felt the need (which really was a compulsion fueled by another “C” word : Control) to tell another. You may ask what exactly is unsolicited advice.?The bottom line : Unsolicited advice is information and guidance that was not asked or requested. Advise probably is intended to be helpful and many of us (I am raising my hand) have offered suggestions and/or opinions , even may have told others what they need or ought to do without being asked. My giving unsolicited advice was wrapped in the sandwich of Codependency, Poor boundaries with others, and the rationalization I was trying to help when I really wanted to take credit for “fixing” or “changing” another. But you may think, am I not supposed to help others? Yes helping is a grand asset. However , repeatedly giving advice when not asked for any is really disrespectful, and a false assumption that another will be grateful for receiving information and opinions .
Unsolicited advice may even be delivered and received by the other as your superiority and Know-it-all personality. The person on the receiving end may feel you think you know what is best for them. An example of this is you overhear two people talking in a store..people you do not know. One is talking about wanting to lose her belly fat after having a baby. You invite yourself into their conversation offering your experience of being on a great nutritional diet you and your sister went on, losing 20 pounds each. The two people walk away quickly from you because 1. they do not even know you 2. they did not ask you and 3. they are offended and think you are judging their belly fat!
This may seem an extreme example but can you think of times you offered your wisdom such as over a person not having a cell phone holder in their car and while you are riding with them you mention they could get one at such and such store and hook it onto your car vent…or your friend mentions she just bought 2 pounds of pecans and you send her a recipe for a pecan pie without asking if she would like to receive it. It is great to offer your information but even better to be asked for your advice. If you are an unsolicited advice giver or know one , you may be aware you or they cannot stop themselves from giving advice, from posting on social media , or even delivering a gift of something they think you need “to help you out”.
Most of us who are adults have experienced way too long listening to a parent or person of authority telling us what to do, when and how to do it. We really would rather make our own mistakes and have our own consequences instead of being treated like a child in response to unsolicited advice. We also are very capable of asking for help , for opinions, or for information needed.
Have you ever heard in response to your unsolicited advice the receiver saying to you “Wow you have made my life easier by reading my mind and telling me the great way of doing these things because you know I could never figure them out on my own?”
Maybe the chronic unsolicited advice giver thinks they know you better than you or maybe they feel important giving you information you did not request. No matter what their intention or motivation is their advice that was not asked for can be annoying, frustrating, and even cause hurt feelings. Based on my personal experience as a recovered unsolicited advice giver I can share these things as to why people keep doing their behavior:
-They really want to help but either do not know another way or they feel they are being compassionate by telling you what and how to do something
-They really feel they know better or more than you do, and have an internal need to tell you about it
-They are living through their controlling ways and have evidence in their own histories that they are in control so they give out repeated unsolicited advice and opinions
-By constantly giving out information and their opinions (even when it is not wanted and rarely does the receiver do as they suggest) they feel better about themselves; thus, boosting their own low self esteem
Lastly, here are some ideas to handle unsolicited advice without losing your rapport:–
-Pause and take a really big breath. They are not trying to hurt you. They are demonstrating a habit they have yet learned to surrender.
–Listen with kindness . This shows YOU demonstrating respect. It has no bearing on whether you are willing to take their unsolicited advice…just smile and listen.
-Set boundaries with the person. You may have to be blunt if they are not getting the message that you do not need or even want their unsolicited advice.
-Finally if you want to try to walk a mile in their moccasins, ask questions to reach an understanding of their motivation in their behavior of advice giving such as Would you share with me why you feel I need to know this?
When the person, be it your friend, co-worker, parent, relative , or partner keeps offering unsolicited advice you may want to ask yourself how much do you value this relationship, and do you want to continue participating in it? Only you can answer this crucial question.
Jaguarwind 