When I was younger and even in adulthood I was an aggressive doormat. I either adamantly verbalized I was not going to go along with what was demanded of me by those I put in authoritarian roles or I cowered and became a person who did not stand up for herself and voice what she wanted and needed.
I looked at vulnerability as a weakness and a scary personality trait. I was afraid if I owned my inner power and actually said aloud what I was thinking and feeling people would have power over me. The irony of this was by not being vulnerable and not speaking up with inner strength and fortitude I was wrapped in a sandwich of misplaced kindness and sweetness… I was being wimpy . I would smile a fake happy face when inside I wanted to speak my truth which was just the opposite of the person I was presenting to another. Through a series of experiences I slowly began to realize if I was going to be the best version of myself it was necessary I went out on the edge of proverbial cliffs again and again with people in all settings…my family of origin, teachers, friends, clients, co-workers, partners, and strangers. To become vulnerable was to come from a place deep inside of me..from my very bones that were my foundational core. I have long believed practice makes progress so I began to practice . I took the risk to ask for what I needed . It is so much easier many of us believe that when we are carrying around layers of emotional pain that can get triggered by some unrelated situation it is better to pretend we are not afraid , to put a cushion of protection around us by shutting down and not even speaking. This only creates a new layer of pain on top of what we have not resolved maybe since childhood. Once I was willing to be transparent I could expose my feelings and voice what I wanted. My throat seemed to have been given a key to unlock the silence and actually communicate what I was really thinking. This key was created from the Power of Intention! Once I started being vulnerable although at first it felt creepy inside, I felt alive! I became vulnerable with the people I grew up with: my family of origin. I became vulnerable with co-workers and supervisors. I became vulnerable with friends. I became vulnerable with strangers. I became vulnerable in the bedroom with my partner.
I learned that being vulnerable in all relationships was not only being fair to myself. It was being fair to the other person too! Showing especially my partner who I really am not withholding my truth …sharing my thoughts, feelings, challenges, and what I considered to be weaknesses without sugarcoating them enabled my partner to know who I really am. Once I could do that, I expanded this to friends, and even to strangers. After practicing vulnerability for a while I made a big decision. I wanted to be the same with all people. I no longer chose to play a different role with different people in various settings. The magical element in all this was I became INTEGRATED , whole, and demonstrated a large degree of real intimacy. I had become willing to walk into the emotional risks that happen when a person becomes willing through vulnerable transparency to love unconditionally and to receive love.
If we each desire to find a way to cradle our authenticity, connections with others , and to truly love, being vulnerable is the path. As a result of allowing Vulnerability to be my SuperPower I have more confidence to walk through challenges that show up. I am able to embrace and live out of true intimacy ; thus, having stronger and healthier relationships. I enjoy a greater acceptance of all parts of myself: the good, the dark, the crazy, the wild woman.
My old fear of being rejected and abandoned still lives deep within me but because I wear a Heart of Vulnerability daily I no longer have to hide from myself . If I do get triggered, I know what to do. I can be present and free to be the amazing person I always wanted to be . If I can do this, I have no doubt that you can choose too to learn to love and accept your complete authentic self. When we get to know who we really are and embrace the wonder of that knowledge, it will be much easier to walk away from anyone incapable of respecting us and we will see a new tribe of like hearted people showing up who only want to treat us with genuine love and support.
Jaguarwind 