It may surprise some people who think they know me to know what a lone wolf I am. Just like the wolves in natural settings I so admire I do not have a desire to be an integral part of the pack but I crave the connections and find myself drawn into becoming a part of various tribes. Here in itself my inner conflict begins.
I guess you could say I have always been an introvert. When I was young I was extremely shy and lacked confidence in knowing if I even fit into the world around me. That has changed into my becoming extremely confident, courageous, and self assured. Lately it seems I have been thrown by some quirk of the Universe into a leadership role as a Spiritual Being, a teacher of Alternative Practices, perhaps even a Crone! I struggled with accepting I was really born to be a leader when I just wanted to be a solo traveler in the world.
I do have different tribes or groups that I resonate with in social circles. When I am alone I relish it. I do not feel a need to have noise or distractions. My favorite activity is being One with Nature. I find myself at times gravitating toward joining other tribes and initially I feel calm and peaceful. Gradually, I begin looking around and wondering what the heck was I thinking !!! I want to gather my toys and return to my solitary sandbox, gathering my own energy and focus. Yet, I convince myself not to run away.
I travel alone, I go to restaurants alone, and go to plays/movies alone as opposed to doing so with many groups of people. At one time I judged myself for this , thinking people will think no one wants to socialize with me. I do not have that self judgment or low self worth anymore. I know I continue to be a lone wolf even in groups of people I associate with. Do they know I the wolf am sitting amongst them?
So how do I as a lone wolf cope within social groups? This is what I have learned…. I listen to the other tribe or pack members…I really intently listen and observe. I offer feedback when one of them makes a statement. I elicit viewpoints and opinions from others . I keep my intentional focus on the fact that every member of each group I am participating with is responsible for themselves and in existing within the group. I let go of judgments of the other group members, and have this mantra: I am here to share and to learn from others.
Because I am so sensitive to the energies of the whole pack it is necessary for me to return to my cave and re-group my own energy after being in a group. I find people I actually can resonate with one on one and socialize on that level…then I can spread myself out into the group level. I will always be a lone wolf. I will always be the observer. I do not always have to be the judge however of how people act, talk, and interact. Because I need to connect with others I have learned to slowly come out of my safe cave and be part of.
Maybe we each are really individual lone wolves just trying to co-exist in a social world the best we can. My greatest asset is I have accepted and learned to be vulnerable and real instead of trying to impress anyone with knowledge or humor. I was not always able to own this skill. Can you relate or are you really a groupie trying to become a lone wolf?