Have You Cleared Your Old Patterns Or Is Your History Repeating Itself?

This week two events mirrored my willingness to look at my old patterns of behavior in relationships. History repeating itself! One was the war and chaos in the Middle East. The other was this weekend being a Solar Eclipse -New Moon in Libra. The last time the Solar Eclipse-New Moon was in Libra was October, 14, 2004. It is my belief that the outer world often reflects our own inner world. When we repeatedly re-create patterns with the same people (or the same person with another face), unless we have healed and had our old patterns transformed, we will get what we always gotten when we practice what we have always done . It may seem we are not repeating the same patterns because that sweet Honeymoon Period is being experienced, and unless we have changed and surrendered old patterns for more effective, conscious ones that old feeling of distress, conflict, and being uncomfortable in our own skin will show its old familiar and dysfunctional face before long. This New Moon Eclipse occurring on the weekend of October 14, 2023 in the Sign of Libra is calling us each to evaluate and inventory where we are truly in balance throughout each of the areas of our lives. Before I move on with this reflection I want to ask you what themes were present for you around October 2004? The themes in our lives of October , 2023 may not be exactly the same, but they are most likely paralleling …if we are honest.

You might ask yourself why would we repeat old patterns of behavior in relationships that did not work in the past. It is less about our moral justifications of being right or wrong, and more to do with how our human brains are wired. According to one study our neural pathways are programmed to pull up a past mistake (in a personal relationship, on the job, or in a financial decision) , and our brain takes that journey down the preoccupation, maybe even obsession, as to why and where did we not get it right before. In order for our “brilliant” brain to change its course, choosing a different route takes much work! Many times we repeat what we find familiar even though it is not really working ! Our coping skills wrapped in beliefs are sometimes patterns we learned in childhood when we were living with vulnerability and brains that were not completely developed. We carry an illusion believing we deserve to suffer . This is sandwiched in internalized shame, leading us to own and claim failed relationships, low self esteem, and more shame in adult relationships. Add to this the factual truth that our learned patterns are passed on generationally !

When our nervous system is overwhelmed with unhealthy stress we feel powerless, out of control with our bodies full of adrenaline. No wonder it is so difficult to live differently! This in part is evidence of how our brain is wired! But there is hope!

I have used the mantra “practice makes progress” for years in all areas of my life. This does not mean I ever live my life perfectly! When I woke up from my personal denial it was always “them” who had the issues , and began to see how I often repeated my patterns in most relationships it was a light bulb moment.

I began listening, really listening to my thoughts, and asked myself what beliefs was I still carrying that just were not serving me, that were no longer working? Looking back on my life I reflected on when I was 11 years old and my Mother went to work, I was taught to cook and do the laundry. That very act a pattern was born that said If I do things for others they will accept and love me ! I grew into adulthood with this belief and instead of asking for what I needed in relationships, I falsely pretended to know what others needed, and did it for them! It took a long time for me to change this belief. Now I know it has great benefit to do things for others, but when I was always doing everything in a relationship for what I thought the other needed and never asking or stating what I needed it created dysfunction in the partnership.

Once we honestly recognize the roots of what is not working (our part!!!) , we can surrender the energetic pattern-memory that always triggers us to return to former patterns driven by our feelings and emotions. There are multitudes of ways to surrender the baggage we have been dragging into each of our relationships…..journaling, EFT (tapping), neurolinguistic programming, working with a coach, etc. Research and try different approaches to find what works for you.

Next, be willing to learn new techniques in communications with others, self esteem and confidence in ourselves in relationships, learning to verbalize aloud our needs, and respecting and honoring where the other person is coming from…not where we think they need to be! To have success with these things I needed to learn, practice, inventory, re-assess, and be willing to ask for help when needed. One of the tools I use every once in a while is to write out new sacred contracts. These help me to set intentions and to follow through in practice. I have learned daily to start my day with a specific intention for that day. This helps me to stay focused throughout the day, and when I get triggered and off track, I listen to the messages of my body (the body cannot lie EVER) and start my day over with my original intention.

The bottom line is this: we can either do our inner work or stay stuck in re-cycling old patterns that do not work , that keep us stuck in conflict internally with what turns out to be the same relationship with a different face who are all the former exes we probably blamed for toxic partnerships. Most importantly, I have come to believe in my heart that relationships in all areas come to teach me more about myself. I used to believe two aspects..either the new partnership needs me to fix them and do for them what they will not do for themselves (ha ha) or the partnership offers me something I do not believe I already have within myself. Neither aspect is valid or true. Acceptance, tolerance, love, and practicing new ways to do old things really works! I find being balanced keeps me from falling down into a hole of despair and hopelessness, and being comfortable in my own skin empowers the best version of myself to show up in all my relationships.

“Life is balance of holding on and letting go.” – Rumi