So many of us think that our ideal mate is out there somewhere…if we could only find him/her. We do dating sites, meet up groups, social media, even re-visit former relationships! We think somehow, some way we will find that perfect someone who will be the Prince to our inner Cinderella ! We walk around cloaked in our illusion that the missing pieces, the unfulfilled parts of ourselves, and the answer to our yearnings will be magically manifested in Prince or Princess Charming. The truth is until we cultivate an intimate relationship with ourself, we will miss that connection we so crave. A lonely person who enters a relationship is a lonely person in a relationship. A person denying intimacy with themselves will not have an intimate relationship with another. You may think intimacy is having sex. No. True intimacy has these juicy components: vulnerability- trust-honesty-acceptance-validation. Before delving further, ask yourself do you trust yourself to make good decisions? Do you accept and love the good- bad- beautiful-ugly- the shadow and light sides of yourself? Do you validate yourself on a regular basis? Are you honest about who you really are in those quiet moments when alone and not distracted? Can you be vulnerable with yourself by expressing and exposing your feelings, saying what you want or need, being present without needing to distract yourself? These reflective questions will provide starting points for inner work.
When we know who we really are , we are comfortable in our own skin. When that happens we can be intimate with just about anyone. We do not need to find someone to fix our broken pieces because we are not broken! We do not need to find a broken counter person because they are not broken either! It is never about THEM anyway…it is about our self love, self honoring, self validation, and having a love affair with the guy or chick we see looking back at us in the mirror. After all, every relationship is just a reflection of who we are.
Where to begin————commitment and intention to do inner work
- Take a deep breath. Look in a mirror straight into your eyes. Introduce yourself to you. 2. Begin listening to yourself..your self talk, your feelings, etc. Do this over time, and it becomes a practice. 3. Take responsibility for your choices. This is major! Start by making a choice to be happy instead of needing to be right! 4.Start practicing those things that feed your soul, that make you feel good. You might want to write out those things. This is Self-care! 5. Put pauses throughout your day every day. This free time with yourself offers times to check in, to connect, to find gratitude and peaceful, happy occurrences. Remember the phrase Stop and smell the coffee? 6. Surrender the inner critic within. Life is not meant to be a race or a test. 7. Do things that give you PLEASURE: physical, emotional, spiritual, mental. 8. Be gentle with yourself. This inner work takes time, but it is so worth it!
Self intimacy is a gateway, a portal to harmonious, safe, and fulfilling relationships with others. Imagine a world of people so comfortable in skins that they actually enjoy each other’s company!
This idea came to me in a reflective meditation once. Feel free to borrow it. “When I allow you and myself to be who we each need to be in the present moment, I have no need to judge you or want to change you to fit my preconceived agenda.” It really is about love and more love!